According to one psychologist we should stop being 'too nice' at work. Really? Is there such a thing as being too nice in our work environments? Apparently this phenomenon exists and we can combat this!
The psychologist offers several examples of what ‘successful’ people do to be more genuine and trustworthy.
The author of this recent article notes that social discomfort is so universal that social psychologists like the author have made careers out of studying it. They can find it almost anywhere, like in salary negotiations or small talk conversations that have one too many awkward pauses.
She goes on to say that almost everyone will at some point find themselves in an interaction that makes them feel uncomfortable. And in workplaces or situations, these circumstances come up daily.
The author further suggests that most of us take a simple approach to quelling the discomfort: We smile as hard as we can, laugh (even when nothing is funny), and bend over backwards to convince people: There's nothing to worry about here. This interaction will be a positive one. I am nice.
Maybe too nice she asks?
The problem with being too nice
We’re told that the harder we try to use niceness to cover up our discomfort, the more people can see right through us.
Humans are good at picking up on emotions, says the author, which leak out through our nonverbal behaviors, like tone of voice. We think we're doing a good job of masking anxiety by layering on the compliments, but when those compliments are delivered through artificial smiles, no one is buying it.
Often, the article continues, we regulate our discomfort by giving feedback that is so generic, it's not useful. Think of the classic, "Great job!" In many cases, it's also unearned.
The author proposes that we start a conversation around change and get a sense of what people really feel about the nice culture. One way to do this is by proposing alternatives.
The article states that before a presentation, for example, we might ask people: "How would you feel if we each wrote down three specific things that you could improve and three specific things that you should definitely keep at the end of the presentation?"
Be precise and particular
We’re reminded that it's natural for us to extrapolate from behaviors to form impressions and make assumptions. For example, we might decide that someone who is chronically late is lazy. But impressions are often too general to be useful, even if they're positive.
Instead, we should strive for specific, behavior-based feedback. The more precisely we can pinpoint the issue — that a presentation that had too much jargon, for example, rather than "it was boring" — the more useful the feedback will be.
The same goes for praise says the psychologist. If we tell someone exactly what they did well or why their work was excellent, we'll come off as more genuine and our feedback will be more meaningful.
Removing broad generalizations from the equation also has the added benefit of reducing threat for the person on the receiving end, especially if that feedback is critical.
If we're new at this, start small and neutral
The author points out that it can feel like jumping off a cliff, moving from an overly nice feedback culture to an honest one.
So it’s recommended to start small. Pick issues that are mundane, but that people still care about, like what to stock in the office kitchen. Nothing that will get anyone's blood boiling. The goal is to build the feedback muscle. That way, once we jump into the tougher stuff, the norms around honesty have already started to change.
In summary, the author wants us to remember that as we work on shifting the culture around us, to be patient. Norms take a long time to form, and a long time to change.
Courtesy Tessa West, a social psychologist and professor at New York University.
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