Grief: It will always be a part of you.
Years ago my friend Trish Herzog shared this essay about her experience with grief. It is universal and whether we have lost a parent, or spouse, or friend, we can all relate. With her permission, I am sharing it with you. Please pass it along to anyone who you think it might help. When we are suffering, it is comforting to know that we are not alone.❤️
“IT WILL ALWAYS BE A PART OF YOU”
written by Trish Herzog
8/19/2009 2:01am
How often have you envisioned losing someone you love and what it would be like? It isn't what you've imagined at all, and you're never prepared for it when it happens. Death is final, your loved one has died, and a part of you has died, too. You're no longer who you were before and you feel like everyday is a nightmare that you can't wake up from. Just when you think you've hit rock bottom and can't fall down any further, you do. Your loved one's absence is your only constant, leaving you seemingly alone to face one of life's most difficult circumstances. You're lost and stranded in your sadness, feeling alone and isolated.
Silence is troublesome. It's hard to grasp that you'll never hear their voice again, share their laughter, or see their smile. Grief is hard to bear and it's always with you, it sings to you on the radio, rides next you in the car, speaks to you from the television, sits beside you in the darkened movie theatre, stares at you from across the dinner table, looks back at you in the mirror, walks with you all day long, meets you when you come home, sits with you in the evening, and sleeps next to you at night. It's always with you...always in the shadows…awaiting it's cue.
Emotions range from apathy to anger with the tick of the clock. Nothing’s the same and there's no way around it. You're forced to struggle through it all in hopes of making it to the other side with something more than just a shell of yourself remaining. You're numb, unresponsive, and detached from life. You feel like a spectator and it seems as if everyone around you is moving on without you, and worse yet, without your loved one.
You surround yourself with memories and cling to anything that’ll make it all unreal, but it’s real, and you can't imagine how your life can possibly go on. You become flat, every emotion is draped in sadness, even the happy emotions are different now, less joyful. The weight of grief hurts and drains you to the point of exhaustion, making you feel as though you can't go on. You no longer fear your own mortality, at times even longing for it, wanting to be with your loved one again.
I know this all sounds unreal, but, grief is hard and there’s just no healthy way around it. You have to work your way through the pain, feel those tough raw emotions, and finally allow yourself to heal.
Over time the overwhelming sadness slowly begins to diminish and flickers of happiness start to appear again. But, the idea of being happy without your loved one spawns an entirely new realm of dark emotions. How can you entertain being happy about anything without them? Happiness, though, is persistent and doesn't give up easily, but, neither does sadness. Just when you think you're moving ahead you suffer a setback...a birthday, a holiday, an anniversary. It knocks you off your feet and pulls you back to when grief first knocked on your door. Those feelings and emotions are raw again, but each time it happens, the time it takes to bounce back is shorter and shorter.
Reconstructing your life without your loved one is a daunting task, but it can be done, it must be done, and it does get easier with time. Your loved one is gone, but, they’ll always be with you in your memories and in your heart, and now you have to do what's best for you, to make you whole once again. You have so many chapters yet to write, but, first you have to figure out a way to turn the page. If you don't try to let go and make room for some happiness to return, grief and sadness will consume your life.
Because of your experience with grief, most things in life look and feel different now. Certain things hold greater significance while others no longer hold any significance at all. Everything now is compared to this tremendous loss and a new relativity in your life emerges. How you move through all of this, and who you become, reveals much about who you are, both to yourself and to others. Please know, this sadness and grief will always be a part of you, but it doesn't have to define you. Thoughts of your loved one will always be present in everything you see and do, but, life must go on and while the scar of loss remains, you're still here. You’ve survived, you've grown, you've changed, and just as your loved one once lived...so must you. It takes tremendous courage to jump back in, to embrace life, and to accept that it's okay to be happy again...and over time you will be happy again...you will.
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