This article really struck a chord. The premise is that if we have a friend, colleague or relative who constantly brags and tries to top our stories, here's how we should respond.
The article begins by noting that we all know someone: the one who one-ups us in conversation every chance they get. Sometimes it’s a co-worker or family member, but what they all have in common is that anything we can do, they can do categorically better.
Example: Going to the Amalfi Coast for our vacation next spring? Sweet! They went there years ago, before it got super touristy. They can send you a list of recommendations if you want!
People who listen to us tell a story and immediately try to do us one better (or try to do us one worse, if we shared something sad) ― are some of the least pleasant people to talk to.
“It’s almost as if one-uppers have the belief that if your light shines, theirs is dimmed,” said Margaret Rutherford, a psychologist and the author of “Perfectly Hidden Depression.” “Do they do it to take you down a notch? Or is it because they somehow feel less than because you’re getting attention or praise for something?”
Rutherford hears complaints about one-uppers all the time in her therapy practice, and she’s dealt with plenty in her own life, too.
“I’m an avid walker, and I had a family member who would tell others that they walked just as much or farther than me when all of us knew they’d never walked for exercise. Ever,” she said. “It’s quite sad.”
We’re told that one-upmanship can be born from all kinds of inner struggles. “Sometimes it’s rivalry, low self-esteem masked by bravado, an actual problem with lying or just having an awkward social presence,” Rutherford explained.
That awkwardness is exploring further: Most of us can read the room if we’re coming across as braggy: If we jump on someone’s sentence before they can finish getting it out or use their story as a jumping-off point for our own humblebrag, we’ll notice that there’s an awkward pause from the rest of the group once the interaction is through. We’ll spot the occasional eye roll and realize, “Oh, my gosh, I’m a thunder-stealing monster!” and change our way
It’s different for a one-upper. What sets them apart is their failure to relate to others and read social cues, said Amanda Deverich, a marriage and family therapist.
“Many people who like to ‘story top’ are not aware of what they are doing. They’re simply enjoying sharing their story and feeling like they are one of the gang with a similar experience,” she said. “These who are unaware are getting a good feeling, as if they are popular and well-liked.”
Science backs this up. A 2015 study found that braggarts overestimated the extent to which their audiences would feel “proud” and “happy,” and underestimated their annoyance.
When a one-upper brags, they misjudge how the story will play for others. “If I tell my co-workers about how I quit my first job at 22 to backpack through Europe for a whole year, they’ll think it’s romantic and cultured sounding!” the one-upper thinks. “Maybe they’ll want to join me on my next smaller trip.”
Meanwhile, the one-uppers’ co-workers are thinking: “Could this guy be any more of a bragger? Must be nice to up and quit your job. His parents probably paid for that.”
“Sometimes one-upping is motivated by a competitive streak, too, but a sophisticated, competitive person knows story-topping generally is impolite, off-putting and disenfranchising,” Deverich said. “It doesn’t actually secure your position at the top of the social hierarchy. The intelligent, competitive person will save the topping story for the most advantageous moment. No one likes to talk to a chronic one-upper.
How To Deal With A Chronic One-Upper
- Go into the conversation expecting it.
The article suggests that certain things ― a root canal, a conversation with a relentless one-upper ― are easier to deal with if we just accept it’s going to be rough going. If we’re in regular conversation with a one-upper, we should just think of their habit as part of the package. Maybe even learn to laugh at it.
“As with so many character traits that are annoying, what’s helpful is to expect the response ahead of time,” Rutherford said. “If you’re talking about your own accomplishments, assume the one-upper will do the same. They have to stick their two cents in, whether what they’re saying is truth or fabrication. If you expect it, it has less impact on you. It can even make you smile.”
- Sympathize with the one-upper. They probably don’t even know they’re doing it.
The article points out that now that we know most one-upping is fueled by the inability to read the room and relate to others, hopefully we’ll learn to respond differently the next time our pal does it. It’s not them, it’s their social awkwardness!
“Try not to get too annoyed or frustrated with this person, even though it can be taxing to deal with,” said Jessica Baum, another psychotherapist. “Remind yourself that the other person might have low self-esteem or that maybe they feel out of place and could be unaware of their behavior. Patience is really important here.”
The report stresses that if the one-upping is hindering our relationship, it’s OK to speak up and share that we need them to listen to us more, because we want to connect with them and feel that they care about our experiences, too.
- Maintain a healthy sense of pride in our accomplishments ― even if the one-upper tries to steal our thunder.
A healthy sense of self-esteem can make us near bulletproof to one-uppers, Deverich said. Resist competing with the bragger in our life; it’s a waste of time, plus, there will always be someone who’s done, seen and accomplished more than we have. Our goals are so highly personal and individualistic, what’s the point of comparing?
“One-upping is just a never-ending cycle of madness,” Deverich said. “Encourage yourself when it comes to your goals and appreciate the experiences of others. Definitely distance yourself from braggarts and aggressively dominant jerks, though.”
- If we’re close to them and it’s really starting to bother us, address it gently.
While practicing patience and empathy is usually the best approach, that can be difficult when we’re close to the one-upper and their bad habit is starting to chip away at our goodwill toward them. In this case, healthy and kind communication is a big step in the right direction, Baum said.
“You can share your take on their behavior and do so in a loving way,” she said. “If the one-upping is hindering your relationship, it’s OK to speak up and share that you need them to listen to you more, because you want to connect with them and feel that they care about your experiences, too.”
Make it more about what you need ― you need them to actively listen, not offer commentary ― and less about how annoying their one-upping is. And look on the bright side, from their perspective: you’ll give them another thing to brag about it in their next conversation once they nail that skill: “Oh, you’ve been told you’re a great sounding board? Such a coincidence, I was recently told I’m the best listener!”
Whatever – which may be dismissive and sound like I already know how to handle. Actually all of the suggestions seem like good advice. Now is only I can remember these tips – or simply avoid these situations entirely!
Courtesy Brittany Wong
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