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Thank you whimpy dads

By
Real Estate Agent with Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon

About a year ago, I was in a McDonald's with my kids that had a play zone.  They had cooperated getting the doctor's office so this was their treat, french fries and some play time on the slides.  As we walked into the play zone there were several families leaving quickly and within a few seconds I understood why.  There were three children seriously misbehaving and SCREAMING in the play zone.

Not one to be shy, I went up to the mother, who had her head in her hands.

"Are you going to stop your kids from screaming?"  I asked

"They don't listen to me," she replied.

"If you don't stop their behavior, I will."  I stated.

She said nothing, avoiding looking at me.

My kids looked at me, their special treat being ruined. They don't get to go to fast food very often. 

Thoroughly disgusted with the lack of parenting, I went up to the main culprit, a boy of about 5, and brought out my BOOMING mommy voice. "Stop screaming this instant or I will have the manager kick you out. This is unacceptable behavior" 

Two of the kids stopped cold in their tracks, fear on their faces, stunned that someone was stepping in.  The instigator bravely looked at me, "Well, I'll just tell my mother to take us to Burger King," he said in defiance.

"If you think ANYONE is going to let you behave this way besides your mother, you are sadly mistaken.  You'll get kicked out of Burger King too.  Are you going to knock it off or not?"  I BOOMED back.

Thankfully he was a smart little boy who knew I meant what I said, and he quieted down.  Not a scream out of him for the rest of the time we were there, and in fact was quite pleasant.

This morning, one of my "young" friends from high school emailed me about comments made by Michael Savage.  I had never heard of him, but apparently on July 16th on his radio show he stated this about autism:

"I'll tell you what autism is. In 99 percent of the cases, it's a brat who hasn't been told to cut the act out. That's what autism is. What do you mean they scream and they're silent?

They don't have a father around to tell them, 'Don't act like a moron. You'll get nowhere in life. Stop acting like a putz. Straighten up. Act like a man. Don't sit there crying and screaming, idiot.' "

Savage concluded, "[I]f I behaved like a fool, my father called me a fool. And he said to me, 'Don't behave like a fool.' The worst thing he said -- 'Don't behave like a fool. Don't be anybody's dummy. Don't sound like an idiot. Don't act like a girl. Don't cry.' That's what I was raised with. That's what you should raise your children with. Stop with the sensitivity training. You're turning your son into a girl, and you're turning your nation into a nation of losers and beaten men. That's why we have the politicians we have."

 

Needless to say his comments have stirred great controversy and there was a protest outside the radio station yesterday.  Parents of children with autism sent the blogosphere a buzzing with his statement.  On his website, Mr. Savage did not apologize, but stated a clarification of his position.

The lack of parenting, Mr. Savage was referring to, was the experience I had with my children several months ago.  I do agree with Mr. Savage, that some parents are not stepping in and setting limits.  This is not an issue isolated to Autism. This is a serious ill in our society. 

As I was yelling at that 5 year old, I just knew that in about 15 years my tax dollars were going to be paying for his incarceration.     I think it is unfortunate that Mr. Savage feels that verbally abusing our children is the way out of autism. 

As a parent of an ASD (Autistic Spectrum Disorder) child, I wanted to extend my gratitude for all of you "whimpy dads" out there that give all you have to your special needs child.  I'd like to thank you for cheering on every new word, every late night, every sensory overload that you have endured with your child.  I'd like to thank you for being nurturing to your child and letting them know they were loved. I'd like to thank you for not listening to people like Mr. Savage and verbally abusing your child.  And finally, I'd like to thank you for enduring.  The strain is great, and I for one, am thankful for all of you so called whimpy dads...your child with autism needs every bit of patience, nurturance, and love you bring to the world everyday.

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Comments (22)

Joel Weihe
Realty World Alliance - Wichita, KS
Helping you to use your VA home loan benefits

Thank you.  My son has autism and I do see some people that appear to be abusing the label.  But my kid's dad is right there, disciplining as we can, encouraging, and giving all that he's got.  At first I thought you were going to agree with Mr. Savage, till I read the last paragraph. 

Jul 22, 2008 09:39 AM
Peter Nikic
Broad & Bailey Realty LLC - Valhalla, NY

Melina, I don't know who Mr. Savage is and I don't think a child with Autism or any other real condition should be treated like that, but there is a difference between abusing a child and disciplining one. I'm sure for many conditions discipline is not the answer, but I'm also pretty sure that many parents do not discipline their children enough. I'm not picking on anyone, I know that sometimes I don't discipline my own children enough.

There should be a balance with discipline, understanding and love. whimpy dads is just as bad as Mr. Savage's take.

Jul 22, 2008 09:58 AM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Kyle-thanks.

Sheree-I agree that parents need to discipline more.  It's a problem in general, but to say that is why children with autism behave that way is way out there.

Peter-Actually whimpy dads is a reference to another blogger's post.  I should have linked to it so you could put in into context. I'll add the link to my post.  I also referred to them as "so called whimpy dads."  You really need to listen to Mr. Savage's statement to hear the tone of his voice.  I am in no way shape or form stating that parents should be whimpy which is why I gave the first story. I am strong advocate of strong parenting.  I just think to say that 99% of children of autism are that way because of bad parenting is wholly inappropriate.

I personally don't think calling a child idiot, moron, or a fool is good parenting.  It's way over the line to me, there is no debate. 

Jul 22, 2008 10:25 AM
Marchel Peterson
Results Realty - Spring, TX
Spring TX Real Estate E-Pro

Melina, we listen to a lot of conservative talk radio and I have to say Michael Savage is not my favorite.  Every time my husband movesthe dial over to him he sees me roll my eyes.  I do agree however about parents not controlling their children.  I was a strict parent and my now that my children are young adults they have thanked me.  I was actually the most consistent disciplinarian but my husband hung with me.  You do have to have a united front on the discipline.

Jul 22, 2008 11:04 AM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Marchel-I do agree with him on that aspect as well.  I am a strict parent as well, but have never told me son that he was like a girl when he cried, or my daughter she was an idiot because she can't come up with the words to say. 

Jul 22, 2008 11:42 AM
Bob & Carolin Benjamin
Benjamin Realty LLC - Gold Canyon, AZ
East Phoenix Arizona Homes

There are kids who do have autism and they need special attention, but there likely are many others who do not have it, but who are merely being brats and their parents have done nothing to set limits. sometimes it is hard for the bystander to tell the difference.

Jul 22, 2008 11:45 AM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Bob/Carolyn-I disagree. While I agree that the average bystander can't give a diagnosis.  The traits of autism are quite clear.  What Mr. Savage was saying was that 99% of kids DIAGNOSED with autism were really brats.  So 99% of the children that went to see specialists were so devious that they were able to pull of the diagnoses of ASD?  I dont' think so.

I don't think the average bystander needs to know the difference.  If you see a 3ish looking child in a store having a meltdown they could be a typical child or have autism. Why difference does it make?  If the parent is trying to handle it, that is all that matters to me.  Me...I guess it's my belief that most parents try to do the right thing.  I give the benefit of the doubt, unless it's obvious like the situation at McDonald's.

Jul 22, 2008 11:58 AM
Peter Nikic
Broad & Bailey Realty LLC - Valhalla, NY

Melina, yes i noticed you were very stern at mcdonalds, actually maybe too much. as much as that situation would have bothered me, i wouldn't have been able to say anything. I either would have left or tried to make the best of it.

actually in a way (as long as it's not dangerous), I think a variety of exposure to children could be good. I mean if your children were only exposed to well behaved children, then who would you tell them not to be like.

Jul 22, 2008 02:57 PM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Peter-normally I would agree with you, but this was so over the top. It is a personality style. There was no way to "deal with it."  The room echos and the screaming was painful to listen to, autism or not.  That's why other families were scurrying out as we entered.

My kids get to go to McDonald's like twice a year. I refuse to leave because a parent can't control their child.  In fact, I went to the manager as I was leaving and she told me that they have had numerous complaints about that parent.  Why they haven't banned her is beyond me.

I have no problem with normal child behavioral problems.  It is how children grow and learn to socialize.  What I REFUSE to teach my children is that kids that those that misbehave get their way.  If we left, then what I would have taught my children that day was that being good and cooperating was worthless.  They cooperated, then they have to leave?  That doesn't work for me.  What my kids learned that day is that Mommy is an adult and can solve problems. They learned that I will take a misjustice and set it right.  They actually played well with these other children.  My kids learned that type of behavior isn't tolerated and that SOMETHING can be done about it.  The kid I yelled at actually talked to me about what he was doing.  He WANTED attention.

Walking away is not always the best choice.  I refuse to teach my children that they are powerless against bullies.  Me...I refuse to give in to bully's, especially one in size 4T clothes.

Jul 22, 2008 04:08 PM
Paul Slaybaugh
Homesmart - Scottsdale, AZ
Scottsdale, AZ Real Estate

Kids will be kids.  Parents need to be parents.  If they refuse or are unable, they should expect someone else to do as you did when in a public place.  When I am out with my boys, I am always interested in parental reactions to bullying or other inappropriate behavior.  Most will apologize profusely and discipline the child on the spot.  The few times that they do not, I will wait for several instances to see if they will eventually step to the plate.  When they don't, I ask if they plan on stopping the behavior or if they would like me to.  They usually look a bit taken aback and just boogie on out of the area.  If I'm not with my kids, I really don't care, but I have climbed up playground slides to stop older kids from bullying my two year old before. I will not tolerate that behavior.

As for the autism remarks by Mr. Savage ... not even worth the effort to discredit.  The absurdity speaks for itself.

Jul 22, 2008 04:33 PM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Paul-I agree most parents step up to the plate.  That is all I care about.  There is a reason why you can't drive until you are 16 and be President until you are 35.  Let's face it 4 year olds don't have the best skills.  If I don't have my kids, I don't do anything, but it's important for me to teach my children to stand up for themselves and their rights.

Mr. Savage...he's a piece of work..

Jul 22, 2008 05:03 PM
Meli Gerogianis
JKA Properties (Meli G Realty & Investment Group) - Clarksville, TN
Broker, CRS, ABR, SFR, CDPE, Licensed in TN & KY

I'm a little confused! At first you come across as the strong willed person going to the extreme of disciplining someone else's child, and at the end, you're talking about having patience, being nurturing and loving, and NOT being verbally abusive...

Well, you can't have it both ways! Either you discipline your children or you don't! And notice I said YOUR children. Like it or not, you have no rights over anyone else's children and had I been the mother of the other children I would've been very upset about your interfering and if you had approached my child like you did hers, I would've called the police and filed harrasment.

Is it annoying? Absolutely. But it's a free country! If I didn't like it, I would've left the place like the rest of the people did. And that has nothing to do with backing down to a bully. The McDonald's place is not your home, it has a staff that suppervises it and it is their job to take care of any problems that may arise. If anyone gets extreme and breaks the law, the police can get involved. Either way, it's not your place! We cannot become vigilantes! I teach my children to be seen and not heard and even more so in public places, but I can only account for myself and my family. I have no rights over anyone else, especially minor children.

I would very much agree that there is a lack of parental control and discipline, but I don't think that has anything to do with autism or that it has any connection with people being incarcerated as adults. I've known a lot of little boys that were very physical and vocal when they were young and maybe a little hyper but they grew up to be law-obiding and hard working adults!

Jul 22, 2008 05:04 PM
Paul Slaybaugh
Homesmart - Scottsdale, AZ
Scottsdale, AZ Real Estate

Meli, that is one of the more ridiculous rants I've read in some time.  Kudos.

Jul 22, 2008 05:14 PM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Meli-I teach my children to be seen and not heard and even more so in public places, but I can only account for myself and my family. I have no rights over anyone else, especially minor children.

I am a strong willed person and I love and cherish my kids and discipline them. YOU CAN HAVE IT BOTH WAYS.  If you don't know that you can, I am saddened.

You and I have different values. I do not teach my children to be seen and not heard.  I teach them how to be respectful to those around them, AND I teach them how to assert and stand up for themselves.  I am not a doormat, and I don't teach my kids to be.  You should read some of the posts from agents who don't know how to set boundaries or say no.  They learned doormatdom early on.

I ASKED the mother to do something and she CHOSE not to do anything.  The mother was not furious and in fact said THANK YOU.  Meli, these were not hyper boys needing to calm down.  My son is hyper, they were aggressive. 

It is a free country and my kids have rights to.  I just stood up for theirs.  You would have chosen not to.  We just disagree on how to approach things.

Jul 23, 2008 02:47 AM
Peter Nikic
Broad & Bailey Realty LLC - Valhalla, NY

Melina, yes, I do agree, well said. I don't like to give in to bullying either and i make sure to teach my children the same.

Jul 23, 2008 03:42 AM
Steve Loynd
Alpine Lakes Real Estate Inc., - Lincoln, NH
800-926-5653, White Mountains NH

Melina, thanks for the thoughts and encouragement, as a father I worked through some very difficult times with my son and have never thought of myself as a wimp. Steve

Jul 23, 2008 05:32 AM
Melina Tomson
Tomson Burnham, llc Licensed in the State of Oregon - Salem, OR
Principal Broker/Owner, M.S.

Peter-Teaching children to be assertive and not aggressive is an important distinction.

ALRE-What floored me about Mr. Savage's comments was the STRENGTH of character it takes to meet the needs of a child with autism.  Moms and dads who have children with special needs have to dig deep into their soul to help their children. That is the OPPOSITE of whimpy.

Jul 23, 2008 11:48 AM
Mesa, Arizona Real Estate Mesa Arizona Realtor
Homes Arizona Real Estate LLC - Mesa, AZ
AzLadyInRed

Melina, LOL....good for you. Sometimes I wonder who is in charge these days? The children or the parents? Sadly, too many times, the children. I LOVE how you did this. It was great!! ;-) AND it was a good lesson and behavior for your children to witness.

Pepper

Jul 24, 2008 02:31 PM
Myrl Jeffcoat
Sacramento, CA
Greater Sacramento Realtor - Retired

As a grandmother now, I look back and wonder how we got to here - from there, with parenting.  There are so many instances where children's behavior seems so out of control.

I guess I was really lucky with my kids, I never really had to do much to get them to behave.  I did find that when I addressed them for misbehavior, I usually stooped down to their eye level, and had a serious conversation with them - and I didn't pussy foot around with them.

The most memorable event was when I had 3 of my kids in the back of a station wagon, along with my sister, and 2 of her kids.  We were on a trip to Disneyland from Sacramento.  My sister's kids were behaving perfectly, and mine took the opportunity of my driving I-5, to act up by pushing each other's buttons in the back.  I would get on them about it, and they'd stop for awhile, and then start up again.  It was totally frustrating, until my sister gave me the wisest advice ever.  She said quietly to me, "Pull over." 

I pulled immediately to the side of the freeway, and turned off the engine.  The kids kept at it in the back seat for a few minutes, and then asked why we were stopped.  I quickly told them, that we were NOT driving any closer to Disneyland until they got their behavior under control - and if they couldn't manage that, then I was turning the car around, and heading home!

We didn't have another problem for the remainder of the trip.

As for Mr. Savage's comments.  I know people who deal with autistic chidren.  I think in the vast majority of those cases, something is significantly wrong medically.  I do however, think the label may be misused in some instances.

Jul 24, 2008 07:22 PM
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