I run up and down the state of Florida highways daily, and occasionally a few other states as well. I just have one question: What is it with these people who are seemingly asleep at the wheel of their cars and totally oblivious to the traffic around them? They are just lumbering and plodding along on the highways and byways, tying up traffic as they contemplate the wonder of the fuzz in their belly buttons.
Don't they know that some of us are working and trying to get somewhere??? We have places to go, people to annoy. Why can't these idjuts look in their rear view mirrors and see the one hundred-and-seventy-three cars and trucks piled up behind them, drivers all agitated and red in the face, hoarse from screaming at them: Hey, Moron! This is not the YOU ARE NUMBER ONE finger that everyone is showing you. (Note dear readers, that I would NEVER personally offer any hand signals or gestures to any other driver . . . but I have had the unfortunate experience of having people offer one to me when I finally get the chance to dash around them, screaming at them as I blow past: "THANKS FOR FINALLY MOVING OVER YOU FREAKIN' IDJUT!!! I HAVE ENJOYED BEING STUCK BEHIND YOU FOR THE PAST FORTY SEVEN AND A HALF MINUTES!! I love the look I get . . . they are totally surprised . . . dazed and amazed . . . thinking that I am the one that is the idjut. Do you know the look I mean?? Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Yeah, that one. Moron.
Don't these morons know that the left lane is for passing and even though you may be doing the speed limit . . . move over and let the rest of us pass!
There they are, driving aimlessly down the highway of life, blocking the left and center lanes, clearly being passed on the right, cutting people off, not paying attention to the road signs and suddenly swerving like maniacs across four lanes of traffic so that they don't miss their exit. How can they miss the sign for their exit?? Was it in some foreign language and undecipherable?
I see more accidents caused by knuckleheads careening off the highway at the last minute. You hear the squeal of brakes as motorists try to avoid hitting the moron, a cacophony of horns blaring in warning, and you can't help yourself as you glance in your rear view mirror knowingly, seeing the smoke from the brakes of the Semi that was riding on your tail spewing smoke as the putrid smell of rubber scrapping on asphalt assaults you. You brace yourself for the impending impact as you see the moron that created the problem scoot down the off ramp of the highway, oblivious to the dented fenders, crushed metal, shattered nerves and terror they have left in their wake. La-de-dah . . . totally, incredibly oblivious. I guess it never occurred to them to drive safely to the NEXT EXIT and loop back.
Here's another pet peeve. Why do people come to a dead stop on the interstate off ramp when the sign CLEARLY indicates that they will have the right of way if they stay in the right lane. You know the sign I mean. The safety yellow one that shows 2 lanes and 2 arrows heading in the same direction simultaneously meaning that you can exit off the ramp and onto the road without hindering traffic because YOU HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY IN THAT LANE!!! So some knucklehead comes to a complete stop, and everyone behind him starts BLOWING their horn, and you, alas, are at the back of the pack and you see the car approaching at 65 mph + thinking he/she is going to cruise off at this exit without stopping. (Do they see me?? Do they realize that I have stopped??? What are they doing!!!!! SHREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!)
How about the drivers that are multi-tasking while in life's fast lane? They're eating, drinking, texting, putting on their ties, shaving, adding lipstick, eyeliner, blush, baking turkeys, writing letters, sending emails, performing surgeries, and whatever other tasks they can squeeze in during the ride.
Have you ever noticed that the hand signals come in three varieties? You have "the one finger salute", "the open toss"" of a hand as if to say, "HEY! WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR DRIVER'S LICENSE, YOU MORON? The Dollar Store???"
Then there is "the closed fist" which is meant to signify"IF I WEREN'T IN A HURRY!!!"
How about all of the people reading in their cars. Have you seen those idjuts?? They are driving and reading at the same time. Now that scares the heck out of me! I used to pass a man on I-95 every day on my way to our office down South. Without fail he was drinking (coffee?) and doing the crossword in the paper. I never saw him look up. Ever!! Sometimes I just rode along beside him for a moment to see if he even realized that he was being observed, or was even aware that there was another car near him.
Have you ever been passed on the shoulder? Now, that's a treat!
I propose that we do away with automatic renewals of driver's licenses. In Florida, if you are accident free and have zero tickets, your driver's license says SAFE DRIVER on it. Just because someone has not been ticketed or had an accident doesn't mean that they are a safe driver.
I am slowly confessing my deepest, darkest secrets. I have already stepped out and admitted that I have a serious addiction to technology. I am now going to confess my other dark secret . . .
I want to be the Secretary of Transportation. I am going to send both presidential candidates my outline to clean up the highways of America and make them safer for everyone. I'm willing to do it for free. And all of you people who are driven crazy by motoring morons will thank me when you can go back to enjoying motoring inyour beautiful cars again.
I am going to implement a lottery for renewing drivers to weed out some of these morons. They are going to have to do a road test and pass it before they get their license again. Plus they will have to identify the road signs, and what all of those pretty colored lines in the roadway means . . .
I think we need serious punishment for knuckleheads poking in the left lane and making everyone pass on the right. We'll get a hanging judge to oversee the court and rule from the bench.
And another thing, those semi-trucks are just going to have to keep out of the left on the highway, period. I'm kind of sick of them backing up "four-wheeler" traffic for miles just for the heck of it while they "jaw" on their CBs. I'm tired of them running up on the back of us when we clearly can't get around the moron ahead of us who is going the same speed as the turtle in the right hand lane.
In the meantime . . .