How to be the world's WORST notary / signing agent

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Never write things down - rely on your good memory. Book EVERY call that you get and go to the one that pays the most. Use the same stamp for life - after you cut off the "99" from the date then cut off the "19" and just write in the 2000 year. Never clean your stamp. Dress shabby - looking poor might get you a tip. Arrive late - they will appreciate you more when you finally show. Ignore all rules - backdate, fax notarizations, loan out your stamp and seal when you are on vacation - for a commission of course. Curse out the loan officer when the docs are late or over 50 pages. Shrink all e-docs to cheaper letter paper - legal paper costs too much anyway. Ship completed signings only on Saturday - it's easier to find parking.


Bait and Switch all "signing companies" demanding double the agreed fee - save this demand till an hour before scheduled time. Eat lots of beans and garlic - borrowers sign quickly in a flatulent environment. Charge extra for using your embosser - after all it's extra work. Never renew your commission - just update the stamp. Never check ID - nobody really gives a hoot who signed it as long as it's not blank. Retain the signature page of the mortgage till the title company pays you. If your check doesn't arrive promptly, sue the borrower - after all it's their signatures you notarized. Pirate other notaries web sites - imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Send phony invoices to lots of Title Companies and signing agencies - collect what they did not pay other notaries. You're entitled to give opinions about the interest rate and any aspect of the loan - be colorful in your comments.


Bring your lunch to the job - it shows you have good time management skills. Have the affiant sign in day glow green ink - legal docs need a bit of color. Always tell the borrower what you think they want to hear - promise anything to get them to sign quicker. Put your stamp in the MIDDLE of the page - show them who's important. Never give the borrower a copy - most can't or won't read it anyway - and paper is expensive. Make a copy of the return FedEx/UPS airbill and use it to send your invoice if not paid in one week. When the borrower's apartment/home is a DUMP - it's OK to tell them so. You must tell all clients that you expect tips - otherwise how are they to know. This tongue in cheek humor from


Park on the borrower's lawn so you won't be blocked in on their driveway. Any room without a No Smoking sign is your invitation to light up. If the borrower forgot to make a copy of their drivers' license just slip the original into the package when they are not looking. Make any changes to the documents that will get the borrower to sign - after all you are a public official with authority. A few drinks can help steady your hand. Off color, sexist and racist jokes show self confidence and professional ability. Never read "signing instructions" - who are they to boss you around? Keep phone charges down by calling the borrower collect. Learn to shortchange - clients usually have their mind on the documents. Never go alone - bring friends to help create a festive environment. Answer all "legal" questions with your best guess - it makes you appear very wise and lets you bill the borrower directly for your legal opinions.

Comments (4)

Shannon Ziccardi
"A Quick Note" Tennessee! - Clarksville, TN
"A Quick Note" Mobile Notary Tennessee!

Kenneth YOU are a wildman!!  Very funny stuff!!

One note [Safety Tip]: In Los Angeles County, it's OK for the borrower to park on his own lawn (even if the vehicle is up on blocks).  However, a Notary Signing Agent should not try this unless wearing kevlar.

Aug 16, 2008 03:33 AM
Lisa Kimmel
Central Wisconsin Notary - Stevens Point, WI
Mobile Loan Closer - Notary

Kenneth, this was a hoot!  Kudos!  Thanx for the laugh.

Aug 31, 2008 02:14 PM
Denise OnullDell
Santa Clarita Mobile Notary - Santa Clarita, CA
Mobile Notary Public/Real Estate Agent

Oh this is funny!  I don't think you left out any incorrect thing to do.  I love the one "Eat lots of beans and garlic - borrowers sign quickly in a flatulent environment." 

Great post!  My stomach still hurts from laughing so hard.

Sep 16, 2008 07:02 PM
MichelleCherie Carr Crowe Just Call...408-252-8900
Get Results Team...Just Call (408) 252-8900! . DRE #00901962 . Licensed to Sell since 1985 . Altas Realty - San Jose, CA
Family Helping Families Buy & Sell Homes 40+ Years

Kenneth, I wonder if the "borrowers sign quickly in a flatulent environment" works for buyers, too. :-)

Nov 27, 2017 11:28 PM

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