Every day the traffic intensifies here in the hills that divide the San Fernando Valley from the LA Basin. Sleepy commuters head southbound in the morning hoping to find a secret route to help them beat their fellow freeway-bound competitors and exhausted northbound wayfarers seeking a respite in the ‘burbs after a long and stressful day at the grind. Who can blame them? Who looks forward to sitting in a parking lot (labeled the 405 and 101) for hours every day?
I personally have no problem with those making their way through our neighborhoods...as long as they respect them. Those who try to outpace the freeway speeds are not welcome. Those who pass respectful, law abiding commuters are not welcome. Those who flick their ashes and burning cigarette butts from their car windows are not welcome. And those who ignore the homeowners' rights to the local roadways and honk when we observe the speed limits ARE NOT WELCOME. Go back to your freeways with your road rage.
We will organize local hillside residents, arm them with stopwatches and clipboards and post them along designated routes through the hills to identify chronic speeders. Placing electronic speed detectors on the well traveled routes to reminding commuters they are speeding has proven ineffective. We will enlist living, breathing beings to stare down the endless stream of travelers and single out and report those who do not conform to the speed limits and safe driving practices.