The Chili Cook-Off! This is hysterical!!

Real Estate Broker/Owner with Sellstate Advantage Realty


Greetings from Cape Coral, Florida! Today has been one of those 5 or 6 days we get every year without any sun at all! So as often happens on those type of days it is a little dreary around town. I always look for things to make me smile on those days and the following is what did it for me on this grey day! It came from a friend of mine in Spokane, Washington! In fact I almost broke a rib laughing! Enjoy and I hope I help you if you are having a grey day!

Maybe my AR friends from Texas can add some comments about this experience!



The Chili Cook Off

For those of you who have lived in West Texas , you know how true this is. They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time Halloween comes around.. It takes up a major portion of a parking lot at the Old Settlers Reunion Grounds. Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster name Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL.

Frank: 'Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a Chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy; and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted and became Judge 3.'

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
                                                            Judge  # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.                                                                       Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff?                                                              You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork . Slight jalapeno tang.
 Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
 Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

 Judge  # 1 -- Excellent firehouse Chili. Great kick.
 Judge  # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
 Judge  # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.

 Judge  # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
Judge  # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge  # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300lb. woman is starting to look as HOT as this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Jalapeno peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
 Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong  statement.
 Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant  seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring  beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,  onions, garlic. Superb.
 Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled  with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair.  No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. I can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my butt with a snow cone.

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on  canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
 Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fellow, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report


Have a great Weekend!

Mike Kelly, Sellstate Advantage Realty, Cape Coral, Florida, 239-549-



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Stephen Kappre
KW Hometown - Mantua, NJ
Helping You Home

That is so stupidly funny - i love it!

Oct 24, 2008 05:59 AM #1
Jennifer Lew
DocuSign, Inc. - Seattle, WA

Mike- I wish we had a chilly cook-off here in Seattle!  I've never been a huge fan until recently when my boyfriend started making it at home from scratch.  It quickly become one of my favorite dishes!  Do you have any fun annual cook-offs in Florida? 


Oct 24, 2008 06:02 AM #2
Alisha Harrison
John L. Scott, Belfair - Belfair, WA
Allyn, Belfair and Hood Canal real estate expert!

I've read it before, but it was good for a laugh again this time!

My family is from Texas... and we do take our chili seriously!

On a separate note, I have friends in Cape Coral. They got into some trouble with their home and lost it. However, as your market is now prime for buying, my husband and I are thinking of buying there and renting to them until they get their credit back in order. I'm gonna check out your website, I'm sure I can start a search somehow... I might shoot you a question or two... maybe you can help me if we decide to move forward!

Oct 24, 2008 06:10 AM #3
Tony & Darcy Cannon
Aubrey and Associates Realty - Layton, UT
The C Team

ROFLMA, I don't care how many times I read it, I still laugh so hard my eyes water!

Oct 24, 2008 06:57 AM #4
Linda in Atlanta

I'm enjoying your blog and your jokes are hilarious.

If I happen to lose my job in ATL, I'll be headed for Cape Coral in a heartbeat - you'll be the one I call for the perfect home.


Oct 28, 2008 06:02 AM #5
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