Many of us work in large offices, with dozens if not hundreds of other agents. And we're often all sharing the same single bathrooms with only a few stalls. Sometimes we're sharing those same bathrooms when clients are there, and taking a semi-public poop (euphemistically called "dropping the kids off at the pool" by the semi-infamous Jessica Simpson), can be seriously intimidating.
We've all kicked back at our desks or cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. Now while our jobs are flexible enough, to allow us to take a quick trip homeward, when needed, it doesn't always work out that way, and as much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2009 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. (or at least it won't invoke the terror that it used to).
ESCAPEE
Definition: a passing-of-gas that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the offender in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE)
Definition: When forcing poop, several gas expulsions slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
COURTESY FLUSH
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
THE WALK OF SHAME (not the same one you're thinking of)
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all gasseious emmissions, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist (as difficult as that can sometime be). Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.
OUT-OF-THE-CLOSET POOPER
Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. Ain't it nice to have friends?
SAFE HAVENS
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
TURD BURGLAR
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
CAMO-COUGH
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.
ASTAIRE
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. Be very careful using the ASTAIRE in truly public bathrooms, such as bus stations or airports, as they have been known to lead to a very public scandal.
WATERMELON
Definition: A "dropping" that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
HAVANA OMELET
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
UNCLE TED
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the toilet. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while sitting on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
FLY BY
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
There... I hope that helps. This has been a public service announcement. Had there been an actual emergency, you would have heard... oh... wait a minute............. I gotta go!
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