Real Estate Advertising Explained
What real estate ads say and what they really mean... yes, really mean...1 1/2 BATHROOM - One bathroom, the toilet has own entrance.
3 RECEPTION AREAS - Entrance hall, dining room and living room (sometimes with cabinet bar. - bar not included)
ARCHITECT DESIGNED - As a homework project in House Design 101.
ARTISTICALLY DECORATED - Full of stuff you can't use.
BRAND NEW DEVELOPMENT - Live with construction dust for a couple more years.
BREATHTAKING VIEW - Can see, and smell, rubbish dump from living room.
CLOSE TO BEACH - Impossible to park from November to December.
CLOSE TO HEALTH CENTRES - Wake up every now and then from the ambulance sirens.
CLOSE TO NATURE - Property has no services.
CLOSE TO SCHOOL - The lunch break din is deafening.
COMPACT - Tiny house.
CONTEMPORARY FEELING - House has no woodwork, needs cleaning. (Also see OLD WORLD CHARM)
CONVENIENT - Property located next to highway on-ramp.
COZY - No room larger than 3m x 2m.
DECEPTIVE APPEARANCE - House looks terrible.
DELIGHTFUL RURAL LOCATION - Property in flight path of major air force base.
DUET - Half a house.
DUET - Sing along with neighbour in the shower.
EASILY MAINTAINED - Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
ENTERTAINMENT AREA - 1/2 conca-braai on cement paving in corner of backyard.
ESTABLISHED GARDEN - Weeds are well rooted.
EXTENSIVELY MODERNIZED - House got electricity last year.
EXTRA: GARDEN COTTAGE - Maid's room has been tiled.
FAMILY HOME - Ugly, impractical, and it has 3 more bedrooms than any other house in the neighbourhood, so we hope the Waltons read this.
FARMHOUSE CHARM - House with uneven floors.
FOR THE GARDENING ENTHUSIAST - Grounds like a jungle.
FRIENDLY NEIGHBOURHOOD - Neighbours tend to peep over the boundary fence.
FULL-FLOOR CARPETS - Wood floor had borer beetle.
HOUSE WITH PERSONALITY - Haunted house.
INDIGENOUS PLANTS - Haven't got around to gardening yet.
LANDSCAPED - Grass grew over mound of old building sand.
LOCAL ENTERTAINMENT CONVENIENTLY CLOSE - Sex-workers hang around on the corner.
LOTS OF PARKING - Lazy homeowner paved over front lawn.
LOTS OF STORAGE - Garage too small for a car - store your boxes of crud here.
MARKET READY - Owner feels he's covered everything up.
MASONETTE - French for "small building".
MINT - Someone has spilled mouthwash on the carpet.
MOTIVATED SELLER - Property has been on the market for the past 5 years.
MOVE IN CONDITION - Front door missing from property.
MUCH SOUGHT AFTER - Property has been on the market at least twice before, and although we got them to buy, no one wants to keep it.
NEEDS TLC - House has major structural damage.
NEUTRAL DECOR - Property has no murals of nudes and no animal body parts permanently attached, but has turquoise walls.
NORTH FACING - Couldn't find anything special about this property.
OFFERS ACCEPTED - Owner knows his price is too high.
OLD WORLD CHARM - House has some woodwork, needs cleaning. (Also see CONTEMPORARY FEELING)
ONE OF A KIND - After this one, they decided that it wasn't such a good idea after all.
OUTSTANDING - House painted yellow and purple, sticks out like a sore thumb.
OWNER EAGER TO SELL - If the house goes within a week, the polyfilla will still be covering the cracks.
PEACEFUL TOWN - One-horse town.
PERIOD RESIDENCE - House built in the last two years.
QUIET, SECLUDED SETTING - On site of proposed informal settlement.
RARE OPPORTUNITY TO BUY - No one else wants this property.
RENOVATED - Patent defects nicely covered up.
RETIREMENT HOME - You need to have saved for a very long time to buy here.
ROOM TO EXTEND - Owner knows the house is too small.
RURAL COTTAGE - House too small for agricultural tenants.
SEA VIEW - If you stand on a bar stool in the spare bedroom.
SECLUDED - See CLOSE TO NATURE.
SECURITY SYSTEM - Neighbour has a dog.
SECURE LOCATION - Head of organised crime syndicate lives next-door.
SELECT NEIGHBORHOOD - House beside sewage works.
SOPHISTICATED CITY LIVING - House next to a noisy bar.
STRIKING FACADES - House is so ugly, you can't stop staring.
STUDENT HOUSE - Normal people wouldn't live here.
SWIMMING POOL - Owners demolished the windpomp at last.
TASTEFULLY DECORATED - Kids had food-fight a number of years ago, and it proved too difficult to clean.
UNSPOILED - Planning permission granted for development of the field next door.
UNUSUAL FEATURES - No roof.
UNUSUAL LOCATION - House in the path of a planned ring road.
UPDATED KITCHEN - Sink no longer overflows.
UPDATED KITCHEN - Laid new novilon.
USEFUL OUTBUILDINGS - No inside toilet.
WALKING DISTANCE FROM BEACH - You will be parked in every holyday.
WATER FEATURES - Geyser bursts each winter.
WEALTH OF PERIOD FEATURES - Outside plumbing, dry rot, rising damp and electrical circuitry best operated in rubber gloves and boots.
WEATHER CRACKS - Wind howls through house in winter.
WEEKEND COUNTRY GETAWAY - No-one can stay here for longer than a weekend at a time.
WELL SITUATED - In full view of neighbours in the flats next door.
WIDE OPEN FLOOR PLAN - Previous owner removed all supporting walls.
WITHIN EASY DISTANCE OF LOCAL AMENITIES - Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop.
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