Yesterday I put up some shelves. I also punched some holes in the wall. I didn't use my fist, and there was no Tequila involved, although that would be more graceful than what I did, which is lean all my weight on the drill until it slipped off the head of the screw and crashed through the fragile membrane of our home. The first time I thought, "Wow, that's not good" in a sort of laugh-not-to-cry kind of acceptance. The second time I avoided crying by yelling and throwing a screwdriver.
I think I'd be less affected if I hadn't made myself think I was good at home installations. I get into it. I even rev the drill before each screw, which is kind of stupid because you have to wait for the drill to come to a complete stop before you can start again. And then when the drill goes through the wall, well it makes you look like the guy at the stoplight revving his Pinto before driving into oncoming traffic.
But the revving compensates for actual confidence. Any home project I'm always thinking I'm doing it wrong. Sure the shelves will eventually be functional, maybe as firewood, but I've never seen a professional using his forehead to hold up a bracket while he tries to pick up a screw with his toes. And somehow, no matter how many times I measure, the first hole is always off. Second hole? Off. I get it right by averaging the distance between the two wrong holes. I don't think pros do that.
I did have some real carpenters do some work on our house. They offered to fix some other things they saw askew. They were incredulous when they reported how poorly our ceiling fan and bedroom shelves were installed. "Those idiots left holes everywhere, but we fixed 'em," the lead guy reassured me. I didn't tell him it was me. I joined in their disbelief. "I don't know how some people sleep," I replied.
To tell you the truth, I slept great, because no one on the planet takes as much energy to do simple projects. One set of shelves equals three trips to the hardware store, a long walk to cool my temper and three hours trying to retrieve a screw from behind the wall. Oh, and all that revving. That's exhausting.
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