humor: Some Choices in Life We Stumble Into - Some Wednesday Humor - 10/22/09 01:02 AM
Not original, but thought that I would share:
Celibacy can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by circumstances. While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Walter and his wife Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other. He addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?"
Walter leaned over, and with a knowing sense, touched Ann's arm gently and whispered, "Gold Medal-All-Purpose, isn't it, honey?"
And thus began Walter's life of celibacy..........
… (16 comments)

humor: Are You Smarter Than a Redneck? - 09/16/09 03:38 AM
This is what Jeff Foxworthy really wanted to put on TV but had to settler for 5th graders. Forwarded by a freind.
 We are sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South, and we challenge any so-called "smart" ass Yankee to take this exam:
1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO
3. If your uncle builds … (19 comments)

humor: Just Fred - Some Thursday Humor - 09/03/09 03:14 AM
Another joke sent by a friend of mine. Hope that it brings you a smile!
A cop stops a biker on a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit, so   he asks the biker his name.    'Fred,' the biker replies.    'Fred what?' the officer asks.    'Just Fred,' the man responds.    The officer is in a good mood and thinks he might just give the biker a   break and, write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then   presses him for the last name.    The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it.  The   … (12 comments)

humor: The Biker, The Lion, The Little Girl and NY Times - Some Saturday Humor - 08/29/09 01:15 AM
This was sent to me by a friend. Just thought I would share. Hope you enjoy.
 
Harley rider is passing the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, right under the eyes of her screaming parents.
The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings … (24 comments)

humor: The New Government "Cash For Codgers" Program - Some Tuesday Humor - 08/18/09 01:11 AM
Just some humor I picked up from the Neal Boortz show. Hope that you take it tongue in cheek and enjoy.
 
Democrats, realizing the success of the President's "Cash For Clunkers" rebate program, have revamped a major portion of their National Health Care Plan.
President Obama, Speaker Pelosi, and Sen. Reed are expected to make this major announcement at a joint news conference later this week. I have obtained an advanced copy of the proposal which is named....
"CASH FOR CODGERS" And It Works Like This...
Couples wishing to access health care funds in order to pay for the delivery … (14 comments)

humor: Just What the Heck is Butt Dust? - 08/08/09 07:45 AM
A friend of mine sent me the following. I thought I would add this incident to it.
When he was about 3,  there was a restaurant on Highway 29 between Vallejo and Napa. It had an aviary attached to it and large windows that opened into the restaurant for viewing. We went there one evening when my son was about 3 and got a table next to a window so that the kids could watch the birds. My son was checking things out, commenting here and there when a duck started laying eggs.  He yelled out "Mom, Dad! That bird is … (22 comments)

humor: A Bridge to Far? Some Monday Humor. - 07/06/09 06:59 AM
A man was riding his Harley along a California highway when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,'Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways,I will grant you one wish.'  The biker pulled over and said,'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.The Lord said, "That request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take!  It will nearly exhaust several natural resources.  … (11 comments)

humor: Rules for a Successful BBQ, - Humor - 06/02/09 07:25 AM
How to Stage a Great Barbecue
We are about to enter the BBQ season therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity .   When a man  volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into  motion:
The woman buys the food. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert .. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill- beer in hand. The woman takes care to remain outside … (39 comments)

humor: The Speeding Woman and the Cop - This One's for TLW - 05/11/09 11:24 PM
This one is inspired by TLW's Officer - You Can't Give Me a Ticket!
While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just … (29 comments)

humor: A Tale of Five Surgeons - Humor - 03/14/09 04:00 AM
 
Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.
The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try  electricians! Everything inside them is color coded." 
The third surgeon, from Dallas , says, "No, I really think  librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order"
The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand … (16 comments)

humor: 25 Ways You Know You Are Getting Older - 02/07/09 03:25 AM
25 Ways to Recognize You Are Getting Older 1. Your houseplants are alive and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question 3. You have more food than beer in your refrigerator 4. You get up at 6:00 AM, instead of going to bed then. 5. Your favorite songs are all heard as background music on elevators. 6. You watch the weather channel. 7. Your friends get married and divorced instead of hook up and break up. 8. You go from 130 days of saved vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans … (27 comments)

humor: And Now for Something Completely Different - A Smart Blonde Joke! - 02/06/09 01:56 AM
A BLONDE WALKS INTO A BANK IN NEW YORK CITY AND ASKS FOR THE LOAN OFFICER. SHE SAYS SHE'S GOING TO EUROPE ON BUSINESS FOR TWO WEEKS AND NEEDS TO BORROW $5,000.
THE BANK OFFICER SAYS THE BANK WILL NEED SOME KIND OF SECURITY FOR THE LOAN. SO THE BLONDE HANDS OVER THE KEYS TO A NEW ROLLS ROYCE. THE CAR IS PARKED ON THE STREET IN FRONT OF THE BANK, SHE HAS THE TITLE AND EVERYTHING CHECKS OUT. THE BANK AGREES TO ACCEPT THE CAR AS COLLATERAL FOR THE LOAN. THE BANK'S PRESIDENT AND ITS OFFICERS ALL ENJOY A GOOD … (22 comments)

humor: How Many Dogs Does It Take to Change a Lightbulb? - - 01/29/09 03:02 AM
How many dogs does it take to change a light bulb? It depends upon the breed. 1. Golden Retriever: The sun is shining, the day is young, we've got our whole lives ahead of us, and you're inside worrying about a stupid burned out bulb? 2. Border Collie: Just one. And then I'll replace any wiring that's not up to code. 3. Dachshund: You know I can't reach that stupid lamp! 4. Rottweiler: Make me. 5. Boxer: Who cares? I can still play with my squeaky toys in the dark. 6. Lab: Oh, me, me!!!!! Pleeeeeeeeeze let me change the light … (17 comments)

humor: Some Wednesday Humor - Be Specific in Your Living Will - 01/20/09 11:36 PM
 
A Living Will Is Important To Relationships
My wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."
My wife got up, unplugged the TV then went to the refrigerator and threw out all of my beer.
… (32 comments)

humor: You Know You Are Living in the 21st Century When - 01/09/09 03:04 AM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...
1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave..
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years..
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. … (32 comments)

humor: What Does Your Grandpa Like? - A Bit of Humor - 01/04/09 07:24 AM
A little boy and his grandfather went to the mall for the afternoon. After a bit of time of walking around they became separated and the boy became worried.
He approached a mall security person and said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
The security cop asked, "What's he like?"
The little boy hesitated and thought for a moment and then replied,
"Crown Royal whiskey and women with big boobs."
… (22 comments)

humor: How to Recover From the Stress of the Holidays - Humor - 01/03/09 12:04 AM
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives, especially during the stress that comes with the holidays!
Some doctor on TV this morning said that the way to achieve "inner peace" is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of B aileys, abutle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, tha … (14 comments)

humor: The Ski Trip - 12/18/08 12:11 AM
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.
After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.  They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. … (13 comments)

humor: Don't Talk to the Parrot - 12/07/08 11:01 PM
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check." "Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!" When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. … (16 comments)

humor: Aspiring to be President - some political humor - 11/28/08 03:05 AM
I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?'
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' 'Wow - what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'You don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take … (27 comments)