We all make mistakes. Sometimes, those mistakes cause harm and we need to make an apology. But recently, I have seen several situations where the parties attempted what turned out to be unsuccessful resolutions, and they all made me wonder whether making an apology has become a lost art.
In each of these, it was clear that an apology, rather than a discussion, was necessary. Each ran into a dead end when the apology consisted of something like this:
"I'm sorry that you're upset."
That's not an apology. At best, it's a statement of sympathetic support, only acceptable when issued by an uninvolved bystander. At worst, it's a statement that the speaker has been inconvenienced by the damaged party's reaction, a different way to say "If you had it together, maybe you wouldn't be so sensitive."
If an apology is called for, trying to make it more comfortable to give is just going to muddy the message and possibly make things worse.
Apologies have three parts:
- Acceptance of responsibility - Simple. "I did something wrong". Saying "you misunderstood me" or "Here's six reasons I did that" may be true, but they don't work as part of an apology.
- Contrition - Again, simple. "I'm really sorry for what I did. I feel bad about it."
- A desire to make things right - "Please tell me what I can do to fix this."
That's all it takes. And getting it right can make a huge difference.
Comments(71)