There are some moments in life that stand out, as if time stood still. The birth of my 4 children is one of those times. I can remember each and every detail, and enjoy telling the story to them on each of their birthdays. The other is the day my sweet baby boy paddled out into the waves at Folly Beach, and surfed into the presence of God.
This past week I watched as a Broker of one of offices experienced the tragic loss of a child. Her sweet daughter went out for a swim into the ocean and never made it back. Sullivans Island has not been kind this year. As we have listened to the news of multiple missing swimmers and rescues of just as many.
Our company has experienced this once before. I know all to well what my friend has gone through this past week. Standing on the beach in horror. Hoping and praying that this precious child will be found. Wondering what happened? Feeling helpless and watching and listening, while constantly thinking in the back of your mind...how can this be happening? After a long, grueling night and day, thankfully my friends daughter was found. Her body washed up on the Morris Island side of the Wash Out. Near where my son would meet with all of his friends to surf. My heart ached for her.
I did not make it to the viewing. Knowing there would be a huge crowd to give their respects, I chose not to go. I was sure I would not be missed, and knew my time would come later. I heard that people actually stood in line for 2 hours. She is a much loved BIC of one of our offices. What a wonderful outpouring of love to her. I did attend the funeral on Monday morning.
As I came out of a restless night of sleep, I opened my eyes and remembered the day of my own personal experience with the tragic loss of a child. I remembered waking up and lying in the bed thinking that it was all a very bad dream. I even thought if I did not get up it would not be real. My body felt heavy and lifeless. I wept that morning knowing all too well what my friend was feeling. When I got into the shower the tears came. I remembered how I thought it seemed so trivial to be washing my hair. The shampoo bottle felt heavy. The water felt soothing to my heart and soul. Drying off I put the towel to my face and wept. I prayed for my friends breaking heart. No need for make-up today. Nothing could hide the agony and sorrow. It is a day that we are all without masks.
Before I left I went into my top drawer and found two handkerchiefs. One was given to me by my pastor that I used during my sons funeral. The other was a gift from a friend. It has "Friend" embroidered on it in pastel colors. I remembered how good the soft cotton fabric felt against my nose and eyes. The tissues were rough and at times would leave pieces of white tissue on my eyes. I decided my friend might need this today. I tucked it in my purse and hoped that I would have the opportunity to give it to her.
The funeral was held at a large church just like my sons service. The ride there seem to take a very long time, almost as if we were in slow motion. My tears continued and I was trying to muffle the sobs. As we entered the church I saw my Broker and another agent from our office and headed to the comfort of familiarity. As I made my way down the pew the realization hit me. Here we are again. A tragedy of monumental proportion. I sat down and once again sobbed into the soft fabric of my handkerchief.
The service started and the Pastor talked for a while about if one sheep was missing that the shepard would go find them. It was comforting words to hear. There was a time of testimonials from friends and family. I enjoyed hearing from the men and woman who lead our great company. They are strong, smart and caring. All of them where at the beach with me. Most of them where out on boats during the 4 day search. I knew how much they cared and it made the tears flow. One of ou principals talked about how my friend will get through this. He had talked to others who had lost children at the viewing, and shared some good insight from them.
One of my favorite parts of the testimonials was two young girls who got up and shared fun stories about growing up with the one we had lost. They told sweet loving stories that I know brought joy to my friends aching heart.
I thought about going up and sharing. I glanced at both sides of the pew and tried to decide which side had the least amount of people to crawl over. But something in side me said "Be Still, you will be able to tell her one on one". I am a chosen one. Someone who knows, who cares and who will be there along with many others.
If I had gone up to give a testimony it would have been to tell my friend that the horror you have felt these last few days will ease soon, and will be replaced with a numb feeling. It will be there for quite a while. Time is the medicine for grief. Each person's dose is different. I believe the first year is hard because of all of the" firsts". However, the second year the Novocain seems to wear off and the pain is more severe, but your life is finally beginning to have some sense of normalcy. It is a trade off.
I wish I could have told the two girls who spoke to tell their stories often. This is a mega dose of grieving medication. I loved hearing stories about my sweet boy and I loved being with his friends. The first Christmas they came over and brought me a christmas tree and hung lights on the house. We ate pizza and ended up in my sons room laughing and talking about old times. Some of them left that night with a few of my son's treasures. It was the first time I had even thought about what to do with his belongings. It was a joyous occasion and I prayed for these moments to come often for my friend.
The last thing I would have said is to be good to yourself. To allow yourself time to grieve. Don't put any time restraints on healing. The prescription for healing is different for each one of us. The good news is that it does come. Healing. But it is like a wound that can break open at any time. Some days you will experience more pain, some days hardly any at all. I remember after a while I would realize that I had not been sad at all for most of the day. Sometimes I would feel guilty. But then I would realize that I was experiencing healing. The strangest thing of all is that some times when you least expect it, and for no reason at all, the grief will return and flood your soul with all of the raw emotions that you had thought were healed!
You will change over the coming years. Grace and mercy became my friend. I have more compassion now than ever before. I am a better person because of what happened to me that day at the beach. I heard a very good teaching once that stuck with me. You can get bitter or better. I chose to get better and I know you will too.
Good luck my friend and God bless. You will be blessed by the memories as time goes by.
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