The official rules of Thanksgiving

The official rules of thanksgiving.

1. Withholding alcohol from your guests is an official form of torture not sanctioned by the U.S. government.
2. In-laws must be offered the opportunity to sit at the table (with their chairs facing inwards) and they must be provided with knives as well as forks (although plastic is optional).
3. There is only one prayer at the dinner table and each praying guest is limited to one minute of thanks. Mentions of thanks regarding teenage pregnancy, evading the law or your drug dealer not getting caught will silenced with a slap.
4. All guests are limited to one plate per person at a time. You must finish everything on your plate before going for seconds. Otherwise you will be renamed as Uncle Greedy!
5. Unbuttoning of pants due to overeating is absolutely not permitted. If caught doing so you will be forced to leave.
6. Hogging all the alcohol is equally unacceptable. As is taking a few bottles home in your oversize purse.
7. It is considered unthankful etiquette to tell your daughter-in-law that you will give her your recipe for stuffing just because it's better!
8. Pies and desserts are there for everyone to share they were not made specifically for you alone.
9. Watching the game on television while guzzling a beer is a thanksgiving tradition that must be observed.
10. It is considered polite to offer your guests white and dark meat and not just uncover the dark meat because the ‘white meat is so much better as leftovers'.
11. If Aunt Marge asks, demands, screams for another cocktail by all means give it to her but inform her that it tastes better if drank in the dark in the attic bedroom.
12. If grandma goes missing check the bathtub first, she may have accidentally fallen in while retrieving her false teeth from the floor.
13. Guests are not required to play Monopoly, Pictionary or Jenga although a rousing game of strip poker may be encourage once the children are in bed.
14. Ooohs and Aaahs over the family photo album is required for at least two minutes before excusing yourself to the bathroom.
15. Unpaid family debts, fraternizing among blood relatives and reminiscing over nieces and nephews jail time is not permitted until at least all guests have consumed enough alcohol.

Additions to this list is permitted, accepted, encouraged and sanctioned although acceptance of these rules is not required unless of course you are having thanksgiving dinner with ME!

Amendments:

These rules have been amended to include the following:

    16. All practices of burbing must be conducted off premise, unless participating in a burping contest for which the prize is being titled King or Queen Burp, or anything ranging between it and the deed of the house.