These are important things to do in 2012. Why? No idea.
Now that you have had a week to think about it -not counting the full day after New Year's you spent with a large bag of ice on your head - I hope you have set some important goals for 2012.
I know I have, and that's not counting the several dozen goals my wife kindly set for me as well.
My first insight, which came early in the New Year, is that you should avoid at all costs Champagne.
It's clearly some kind of "poison." Sure, it is bubbly and fun at first, but the side-effects – the sudden belief that people want to see the James-Brown-Splits Move you last did at a Grade 12 dance - can be dangerous. I've got the torn pants and hamstrings to prove it.
But on a more serious note, January is traditionally a month of renewal and cleansing and paying
Bloated VISA bills. It's also a good time to reflect on your weaknesses and failures and then open a huge bottle of cheap red wine ... I mean make a list of Things To Do In 2012 That You Probably Should Have Done Last Year If You Were Any Kind Of Successful Person:
Get on Twitter
According to all futurists and social media experts, this is "extremely important," though no one
can explain why. If you are not sending out tweets telling people what you just ate or reading tweets about what Charlie Sheen just snorted, you are totally out of it and likely to lose your job, whatever social standing you have and any chance at a funfilled man-date with Justin Bieber. Of course, if you use Twitter like many U.S. Congressmen - to send out links to pictures of yourself in your underwear, you will also likely lose your job and social standing but at least you’ll be “ up to date.”
Start tracking your health numbers
According to experts, and by “experts" I mean anybody who can type and has an Internet connection, you absolutely must track your body metrics including your cholesterol numbers, your bloodpressure, your heart rate and your. BMI. You should do this several times a day, upload it to a database and, of course, post the results on Twitter.
If possible, include a link to a picture of you in your underwear. Doing all this is pretty time-consuming so you probably won't be able to actually DO any exercise, but don't worry, I hear there's an app for that.
Join Linkedln
This is vital although, again, I have no idea why. What I do know is that joining will allow you to send thousands of annoying "Invitations to connect on LinkedIn" messages to all the people who have been sending them to you. This will allow you to be "linked" to many people you barely know and could care less about. This is very important because it makes money for the people at LinkedIn.
Get a smartphone and start using it
Buying a smartphone and using it at all times is very important. It sends a message to people, and
that message is: "I have a smartphone and I am using it to do important and smart things." A smartphone allows you to do timesaving things like surf the Internet while you are driving or send instant messages to people who are also driving. Smart phones also have GPS (Global Positioning Systems) in them, which allows you to locate yourself at all times. This gives you the power to say, “I am at this pizza place” and then sends out a message showing where the pizza place is on a Google world map. It is hard to imagine how man survived in earlier times without this. A smartphone is also a powerful computer so when you finish the 10 or 12hours on your computer for work, you can seamlessly get right back on your computer so you can check your LinkedIn account and update Twitter with things like: "Eating pizza. Check link for photo of pizza and more underwear shots."
Finally and perhaps most importantly, send more email. People love a full email box. Pointless
greetings, jokes, links to bad videos, letters from Nigerian bankers, it's all good. In fact, that's such a good idea, I’d better go. I have to post that to Twitter.
Paul Benedetti
Hamilton Spectator, by permission
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