In our roles as real estate agents many times we are called upon to serve our customers in other ways. Sometimes we're something of a financial planner. Sometimes we serve as an interior decorator. Sometimes
we're even marriage counselors. We wear many hats and play many roles. Two of the most important roles that we play are that of Parent and that of Child. When you're parents start to age, sometimes you play both.
Well a few of you might remember the posts that I wrote while I was dealing with the passing of my mother. She died after having suffered with dementia for several years. During these years my siblings and I found ourselves in a situation where the traditional parent/child roles switched.
Where Mom had always been my safety net and I knew that if I ever got in a pinch that I could count on Mom. I bet that I probably borrowed and paid back the same $100.00 from Mom's Savings and Loan a dozen times. When I first opened my company and things got really tight, I could always count on Mom for a hot meal or to watch the kids while I went out and showed property. In short, she was still "taking c
are" of me.
This slowly started to change a few years ago when I noticed that my mother had stopped throwing her newspapers and magazines away. When I asked her about it, she told me that she was saving the magazines because they had recipes in them that she was planning on cutting out. This explained the magazines, but it didn't cover the newspapers and the resistance that I got when I went to toss them out.
From that point her situation slowly degraded. So slowly that it was ALMOST imperceivable. Well, maybe it was perceivable, but we didn't really want to perceive it. When I found a foreclosure notice in a pile of junk mail I couldn't ignore it anymore.
That's when I went into the rabbit hole in an effort to help her.
Mom was no longer going to be there to take care of me. Instead it was going to be up to me (and to my siblings) to take care of her. The problem was that she hadn't given up her position as matriarch of our family and we hadn't planned for an event such as this happening. For an 80 something year old woman who barely stood 5 feet tall, it's amazing how much authority she could still muster.
I can't tell you how uncomfortable I was when I had to put my foot down one day and MAKE her go to a doctor's appointment when she didn't want to. But that's what I had to do. As her situation further deteriorated I became the parent and she became the child. It remained this way until she died this past summer.
The reason that I'm writing about this today is because last week I got not one, but two calls from friends who are just now starting to deal with their parents getting older and I thought that there might be some of you out there who might need to know that you're not alone.
Maybe your at the point where you're noticing the magazines piling up. Or maybe you're further into it and having
to deal with all the turmoil of putting a parent or other loved one into a nursing home. Maybe you're just at the point where you've noticed for the first time that your loved one has lost a step.
Whatever the case, it's sad and it's going to be rough. There's no getting around it. My advice to you would be to reach out. As my friends did to me. Don't be embarrassed or, as I did to a certain extent, try to hold everything in.
If you don't feel comfortable confiding in friends, call your state's division on aging. While our society leaves a lot to be desired in how we deal with the elderly, they will still be able to refer you to support groups, as well as other resources that will be able to help you as you deal with this part of your life.
My biggest advice is for those of you out there who's parent(s) is/are still healthy. TALK TO THEM!
Find out what their economic situation is. Have they talked with an attorney yet? If they have assets have they done anything to protect them? Do they have a will? Do they have any insurance policies and if so, where the hell are they? How would they want things handled if they fall sick? Who do they want to take the lead in dealing with their health care issues if they are unable to?
It's not a conversation that you want to have, but believe me, it's a conversation that needs to happen.
My last bit of advice is to you directly. Have you thought about the future? As the saying goes, "time waits for no man". Have you made plans? What would your kids have to deal with if you were to take ill? Who's going to take care of you and how are they going to pay for it?
If you haven't done so yet, set up an appointment with an attorney and/or an estate planner. If you have assets, consider putting them in a trust. Make a will! Consider buying long term care insurance.
It's not a pleasant subject, but it's one that you are better off thinking about (and doing something about) before it's too late.
R.B. "Bob" Mitchell
ValueList Real Estate Services, Inc.
Bob Mitchell is the president of ValueList Real Estate Services, Inc., St. Louis' largest discount/full-service real estate and mortgage company. To find out more about Bob, ValueList or our flat-fee listing program please feel free to visit our web page, valuelistre.com
Comments(3)