Kids are like TV commercials. There is no reason for them to be so unnaturally loud. Government is passing a law to tone down the commercials, but nobody is doing anything about the kids. They have a law in some states that your boom-boom car stereo can't be audible from 50-feet away, and they should do the same thing with kids. Kids shriek. At top volume. It's a good thing that I am a Sacramento short sale agent and not an elementary school teacher or every loud kid would be sitting at his desk with his hands folded and duct tape over his mouth.
You might be thinking, oh, that Elizabeth Weintraub, she doesn't like kids. She is just like W. C. Fields. But that's not true. I love kids. I love kids because I am a kid myself. The secret to my perpetual youth, the reason that I did not have to grow up, is because I don't have any kids. The people who have to grow up, to be responsible adults who worry about what goes down on their permanent record -- those people are parents. I am not a parent.
In fact, I am a bad influence on kids. Parents who know me will not let me anywhere near their children. I encourage bad behavior. If it looks like it's something fun to do, I egg the kids to do it. Seriously, do NOT take me to a restaurant with kids. I cannot be trusted to behave myself. We play drums on the table with our chopsticks. We roll oranges down the aisle. Fling ice cubes at customers. Dump sugar into a big pile in the middle of the table and blow it off. All before the appetizers.
But when I am lying on the beach, feeling the sting of blowing sand and warm sun burning the crap out of my upper thigh -- with both eyes closed and my mind drifting away -- no shrieking is allowed.
This resort has a place near the ocean for massages. It's a no-shriek zone. There are no pictures, no international icons, that designate the area a no-shriek zone. I think two hands wringing a neck would be a good image -- with the kid's tongue hanging out, like Bart Simpson. Just a sign that warns passersby to be quiet. But little tots can't read.
Photos: Elizabeth Weintraub, Big Island, Hawaii
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