WHEN A YOUNG PERSON PASSES...Remembering Loss.

By
Real Estate Agent with Douglas Elliman Real Estate 30HA0800896

WHEN A YOUNG PERSON PASSES...Remembering Loss.

This is a very sad moment to the real estate community here in Southampton Village today as we watch a Mother in grief and a family go unwillingly into mourning.

One of my fellow agents and a close neighbor of mine, Kimberly, just had the horrifying experience of finding her 29 year old daughter dead in her bed...after not getting a response when she called her name several times Sunday morning: "Time to get up Heather---let's get ready for church!' No answer and she went to the upstairs bedroom where her daughter slept and was devastated when she found she was not breathing...Nothing prepares a Mother for what Kimberly found there that day...and nothing makes it easy to deal with the loss.

Where does one go for instructions on how to help this family deal with the loss? What does one do to try to help this suffering Mother handle the horrible thing that has just happened?

I can't say what anyone should do but I can certainly say what one should NOT do:

  • Do NOT interfere with the families private time--let them prepare for the future by facing the incident on their own terms initially. This is a very private matter.
  • Do NOT give advice as to how this Mother should feel or act. DO NOT try to make the family believe that you  know exactly what they are going through--because you don't!
  • Do NOT ever invade the privacy of the wake with too many people at one time; make your sincere condolences and move on--No one at a time like this, when you are so turned-inward, needs to hear another's sad story. Pleasant memories of the loved one's life are a meaningful thing for the family to hear.
  • A loss of this magnitude, the loss of a child, is beyond comprehension and needs to be recognized as such. Do NOT make yourself the "grieving" soul who needs comfort--strength and compassion are the ingredients needed to help the family deal with the loss.

This is going to be a long day and I am so unsure of just what to say to Kimberly when I see her at the wake; but I am sure the words will come and the emotions will flow as they should.

Loss of a family member is a familiar one to me since, as one of six children, I have lost 2 sisters when they were in the most promising time of their lives--and it is such a loss. But, nothing can describe the way the Mother feels--nothing can look or feel like a typical way to handle such a loss.

My Mother was never the same after losing one of her 5 beloved daughters; but on the occasion of the second loss of another one of her "Brood", she was absolutely emotion-less.

I will never forget her face, unmoved and tear less during the wake.

That was the MOST devastating thing to witness--there were no emotions available to her at the time...there was no human way possible to deal with it. That is how she handled it---and she went on from there; having outlived 2 of her children by 30 and 40 years.

Thank you for reading this---I had to write something here just to help let it unfold before I go to the wake to day at 2:00.

You see, this is not written for any other purpose than to help myself get through this massive loss--all over again. That is what grieving is: Remembering Loss

 

 

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Rainmaker
843,857
Bob Miller
Keller Williams Cornerstone Realty - Ocala, FL
The Ocala Dream Team

Good Morning Paula, I know what you went through.  I lost a brother with only half his life lived.

Jun 04, 2012 07:55 PM #1
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Bob: Thank you for reading this--I am so sorry for your loss and please, just know that you are never ever going to see loss again with out remembering him.

Jun 04, 2012 07:58 PM #2
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Doug Rogers
Bayou Properties - Alexandria, LA
Your Alexandria Louisiana Agent

If the grieving person is a fellow agent I find offering to take over their files for a week or so is a big help. When my biz partner's mother died he tried to talk client calls literally the same day. I took over his whole client list for two weeks.

 People need space to deal with the grief, away from the stress of our industry.

 

Jun 05, 2012 02:46 AM #3
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Doug: That was a very good thing to do--It takes a very perceptive person to see what needs to be done in a case like this one. In my friends case, I think she will need to stay away for a while and even though I know her very well, I really don't know how this is going to affect her.

Jun 05, 2012 04:12 AM #4
Rainer
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Kimberlee Morgan
First Team Real Estate - Palm Desert, CA
Desert Dream Team

Grief has a way of uniting people for the rest of their lives.  I have lost many family members and a husband and I know each one has impacted me.  Please know I am praying for yourco worker to find the strength and peace she will need to get through...

 

Jun 05, 2012 04:26 AM #5
Ambassador
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Rob Lang
At Home Kansas Team Powered by Keller Williams Partners Inc / www.AskRobLang.com - Lawrence, KS
Local Expert in Lawrence Kansas Real Estate Homes

I'm so sorry for your friend's loss. I can't imagine the pain she must be going through.  

Jun 05, 2012 05:47 AM #6
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Kimberlee: Thank you so much for your expression of your own losses. I know she has so many friends around her right now and that is going to help her get through the hardest part.

Lawrence: Thanks for your concern--she has many, many good friends and will be fine--as fine as she can be minus a very important person in her life!

Jun 05, 2012 10:42 AM #7
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Kathy Streib
Room Service Home Staging - Delray Beach, FL
Home Stager - Palm Beach County,FL -561-914-6224

Paula- it is always a sad sad time when a person's life ends before their time. Your compassion, I know, will come through and I know you'll be there for your friend, however she needs you.  Sometimes it may mean not asking but just doing.  

Jun 09, 2012 10:19 AM #8
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Kathy: Thank you--I think you are right on this point---don't ask what you can do for someone--just do it!  :)

Jun 09, 2012 11:30 AM #9
Rainer
30,317
Peter Michelbach
International, IT
i Sell Real Estate

Hello Paula,

may your friend and fellow agent find peace, be strong in faith and her daughter embraced by the eternal Light .

Paula, thank you for sharing and your loyalty in fellowship with other Christians - to the Lord. 

Jun 10, 2012 11:45 PM #10
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Peter: Thank you so much for reading this--the death of a young person is so devastating! It brings up all kinds of stuff for me and I am sure, for most people...

Jun 11, 2012 11:30 AM #11
Rainmaker
2,267,927
Joe Petrowsky
Mortgage Consultant, Right Trac Financial Group, Inc. NMLS # 2709 - Manchester, CT
Your Mortgage Consultant for Life

No parent should ever have to go through this kind of loss. The pain never goes away. All we can do is be there for the family and comfort them as best we can.

Jun 21, 2012 10:07 PM #12
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Joe: You are so right--in this case the mother, my friend reached out to me and it was the way it was meant to be---very sad indeed!

Jun 21, 2012 11:34 PM #13
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Margaret Rome, Baltimore Maryland
HomeRome Realty 410-530-2400 - Pikesville, MD
Sell Your Home With Margaret Rome

Your friend is very lucky to have your friendship. Knowing you, I bet the right words and actions  were there when needed.

Margaret

Aug 04, 2012 08:46 AM #14
Rainmaker
495,774
Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA
Douglas Elliman Real Estate - Southampton, NY
...The Most Informed Agent In The Hamptons!

Margaret: Thank you Margaret--I have spoken to this young woman just recently and she did tell me that my words were so helpful to her--I have experienced loss so  many times in my life that I can see the real need for a greiving person to fully understand the gift that comes from the loss...I know that I can help them to see it and come to grips with that.

Aug 04, 2012 10:21 AM #15
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Rainmaker
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Paula Hathaway, REALTOR, LBA

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