My Rare Stab at Humor - Attorney Humor, from an Attorney!

I'm a licensed real estate attorney.  But I have litigated in court.  Needless to say.....I have friends who send me this stuff from time to time.  It's good humor meant to keep me and us all humble.  Hope you enjoy.....

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts,
and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and
now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.


       ATTORNEY:   What was the first thing your husband said to you
        that morning?

       WITNESS:    He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

       ATTORNEY:   And why did that upset you?

       WITNESS:    My name is Susan.

       ____________________________________________


       ATTORNEY:    What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

       WITNESS:    Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

       ____________________________________________


       ATTORNEY:    Are you sexually active?

       WITNESS:    No, I just lie there.

       ____________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory

        at all?

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    And in what ways does it affect your memory?

       WITNESS:    I forget.

       ATTORNEY:    You forget? Can you give us an example of something
        you forgot?

       ___________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved
        in voodoo?

       WITNESS:    We both do.

       ATTORNEY:    Voodoo?

       WITNESS:    We do.

       ATTORNEY:    You do?

       WITNESS:    Yes, voodoo.

       ____________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies
        in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

       WITNESS:    Did you actually pass the bar exam?

       ____________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is
        he?

       WITNESS:    He's twenty, much like your IQ.
       ___________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    Were you present when your picture was taken?

       WITNESS:    Are you shitting me?
       _________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    So the date of conception (of the baby ) was August
        8th?

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    And what were you doing at that time?

       WITNESS:    Getting laid

       ____________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    She had three children, right?

       WITNESS:    Yes.

       ATTORNEY:    How many were boys?

       WITNESS:    None.

       ATTORNEY:    Were there any girls?

       WITNESS:    Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can
        I get a new attorney?

      ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    How was your first marriage terminated?

       WITNESS:    By death.

       ATTORNEY:    And by whose death was it terminated?

       WITNESS:    Take a guess.
       ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    Can you describe the individual?

       WITNESS:    He was about medium height and had a beard.

       ATTORNEY:    Was this a male or a female?

       WITNESS:    Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male .
      _____________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
        deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

        WITNESS:    No, this is
        how I dress when I go to work.
      ______________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
        performed on dead people?

       WITNESS:    All of them. The live ones put up too much of a
        fight .
       _________________________________________

       ATTORNEY:    ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school
        did you go to?

       WITNESS:    Oral.
       _________________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

       WITNESS:    The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

       ATTORNEY:    And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

       WITNESS:    If not, he was by the time I finished.
      ____________________________________________
       ATTORNEY:    Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

       WITNESS:   Are you qualified to ask that question?
       ______________________________________
       And the    best for last:

       ATTORNEY:    Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
        check for a pulse?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    Did you check for blood pressure?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    Did you check for breathing?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
        when you began the autopsy?

       WITNESS:    No.

       ATTORNEY:    How can you be so sure, Doctor?

       WITNESS:   Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

       ATTORNEY:    I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
        nevertheless?

       WITNESS:    Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive
        and practicing law.

Larry Bettag - Regional Vice President, Midwest Region

Illinois FHA Specialist

630-417-7172

  

               

An Illinois Residential Mortgage Licensee

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