"Stepping" Into Parenthood... A Mother's Day Gift

Hi All,

In honor of Mother's Day, I wanted to share my personal experience with motherhood thus far... 

I know why they call us step-parents; it is because we step blithely and blindly into the middle of a family.  I have never liked the title it's a little too distant for my taste.  Implying that I am somehow one step removed from the action instead of right in the thick of things. 

I like to think of myself more as a Sub-parent.  Standing in for the mother they have.  More like a substitute teacher, not better or worse, just different and charged with getting the kids through the day without letting them kill each other, burn down the building and maybe, just maybe, teaching them a little something along the way. 

Nobody in his or her right mind sets out to become a Step-parent (When I was a child I never practiced saying "step mommy loves you".) it can be a pretty thankless job.  When the kids do something good you can't take the credit, and when they do something bad they could be acting out against you, so you may get all the blame.  I never thought that I would start my parenthood journey smack dab in the middle of the teen years. But, like many things in life, sometimes it just happens. 

I have always wanted children.  I was one of those little girls who turned everything I played with into a "baby".  From dolls to dogs and cats everything around me suffered through my practice parenthood (my puppy looked especially cute clad in infant pj's with the feet in).               

I studied babies from every angle.  I spent countless hours babysitting and devoured infant care books by the truckload.  I treated all this research like I was cramming for the SAT's.  Unlike that exam becoming a mom was a test I was looking forward to taking.  I saw no sense in waiting till the last minute to prep because I wanted to be sure to ace it.  I even brought home a crib in my teens.  (That scared the life out of my mom... but it was a "really good deal" and held my doll collection beautifully.)

I was never sure I wanted to be someone's wife but I was dead certain that I wanted to be someone's mom.  After all my preparation, I just naively assumed that when I did have kids they would all start out in the "trial size" but I should have known, I have always been a warehouse shopper so getting the Costco sized insta-family should have come as no surprise.   I also have come to realize that all those years of reading Dr. Spock would have been better spent reading Dr. Phil. 

I love babies and now that I am a sub-parent I understand why we all start out as infants.  Aside from making delivery easier, babyhood is the time when grownups fall in love with their kids.   If we all started out as teens, I am pretty firmly convinced that none of us would be allowed to reach adulthood.

Babies are soft, cuddly, usually fun to be around and demonstratively loving.  Teens are all angst and angles.  It is not that teens aren't fun and loving, it's just that they are also willful, self-involved and don't look nearly as cute toddling about the house in a diaper. 

When I entered their lives my future husband's sons were almost 18 and just turning 14.   They had a bit of a rough time growing up and had only been living with their dad for a couple of years.  They were still adjusting to their new way of life and I was still getting used to having gone out on more than one official date.  We were all in unexplored territory.

I have been pretty lucky as insta-families go.  The boys never tried to sabotage me when I was dating their dad and were more anxious for him to propose to me than I was. 

Still, things have not been easy.  Together we experienced the sudden illness and death of their grandfather on their dad's side, their mother's decision to get sober after years of alcohol and drug abuse, the oldest boy's decision to quit college, live with his newly widowed grandma and then to join the Army and going off to war, and the younger one battling depression and developing and eating disorder.  And all this was within the first few months of our relationship.    There's nothing like hitting the ground running, huh?

I always thought that my first year of parenthood would involve first teeth, first words and first steps, not first dates, first cars and first heartbreaks. 

Becoming a sub-parent in a family with teenagers is like trying to swim through mashed potatoes in a wedding dress.  You can't see where you are going or where you have been.  Things that you think will help you only hold you back or weigh you down.  And no matter how prepared you think you are or how easy it looks from the outside it is ten thousand times harder to slog through when you are in the thick of it.  Still, it can be fun and it is an experience that not everybody gets to have. (Incidentally, I know what I am talking about with the mashed potatoes reference.  I actually did swim through 2000 gallons of the stuff in a wedding dress once, but that's another story.)

Why after all of those trials and tribulations do I still think I have been lucky?  Because, I have been allowed to be there at some pretty important times in their lives.  I have been a shoulder to cry on and a one-woman cheering section.  I have also learned that creating a life is easy, helping recreate a life is where the challenge comes in. 

So I didn't get to experience all the joys of pregnancy (who wants to be sick for nine months, anyway), and I haven't got a storehouse full of cute memories of their early childhoods to fall back on when they are particularly trying, but the ones I have are just as valuable... You want to dye your hair jet black and then paint your walls to match your hair!  When can you get your driver's license? When you can consistently remember to flush.   What do you mean you've been in an accident but don't worry because the semi you hit is OK. 

After five years together we have been through a lot more than some families experience in decades.  We have laughed together, cried together, fought for and with each other; battled demons of heroic proportions and celebrated victories both small and large with reckless abandon. 

When I was a child and imagined myself all grown up I dreamed of being a mommy with my babies in a stroller.  Thus far, I seem to have skipped that stage.   One of my "babies" totes a gun in defense of his country and the other one barrels out of the house with a curtain of hair shielding his face, a guitar strapped to his back and men's size 11 sneakers laced to his feet.  Nothing could have prepared me for this stage of my life, but maybe I am more like most new mom's than I realize.  Every day brings new things to marvel at both small and large.  

I now proudly claim the titles of Sub and Step-parent and although they call me Tisza in my heart I hear them call me mom.

Take care all, help lots of people, and have a wonderful Mother's Day!

Tisza