Ah yes, the Internet: where a nobody can become somebody, and a somebody can become somebody else.
Step right up, folks, leave your identity at the door and please help yourselves to the screen name of your choice. WORLDSGREATESTREALTOR is already taken, but there are countless others to peruse. Tired of your boring, old face? You’ve come to the right IP address. We can give you a blue afro, funny hat, change your complexion … we’ll re-arrange you till you’re sane.
Not finding the success in the real world that you so richly deserve? We can fix that, too. Just look at the wall of testimonials from other relatively happy customers who are pretending to make a mint from all of their new streams of virtual business. We will lead you to a new pinnacle of fame amongst a demographic of non-consumers. Indescribable riches await those who would simply endeavor to gain as many followers/subscribers/friends as inhumanly possible. Indescribable in that we are not exactly sure how yet, but bigger is always better, and we’ll figure it out when we get there.
In the meantime, for the low price of your dignity, self-respect and twenty bucks, we will impart our months of collective experience to guide you to the kingship of this make-believe mountain. If you have no need for an online Sherpa, give us twenty bucks anyway. Perhaps we can interest you in a t-shirt? Pomegranate juice? Did we mention that in addition to our Real Estate and social marketing services we sell widgets wholesale? We don’t care what you buy, just buy something. Seriously, after frittering all of this time away on commenting, tweeting and feigning interest in the exploits of your cat, somebody owes us some coin.
But I digress, this isn’t about the fact that we live out of a Dodge Charger. This is about you! We have gained the type of fake acclaim that we only dreamed about back in high school. Our operator is standing by to take your order so that you, too, can don the Mr. T wig and become whatever it is you feel like being this week. It’s a combination phone/fax line, though, so try calling back in a few minutes if you get the screech.
Congratulations on the choice to make the most out of your virtual rebirth. Together, we will pry that 800 pound gorilla of ineffectual daily living off your back with a crowbar fashioned out of smoke and mirrors. If you are not completely satisfied, that is most likely because you have never been completely satisfied in your entire miserable life. No matter, we guarantee you will attain completely arbitrary markers of success, or your money back! That’s right, if you aren’t anointed tsar of your chosen virtual medium within 6 months, you get the entire 15 minute anecdotal catalogue free of charge!
A new you for a new day. Short of tangible success, what more could you possibly want? Join us today and we will include the first crate of juice at half price. Refer a friend and we will name a website (the cyber-geek version of a star) in your honor. Speaking of which, please tell your friends as we seem to have burned through all of ours.
What do you have to lose besides anonymity? Call us today!
If we don’t make you a popular pauper within 30 days, my name isn’t @Maximus_Deathstar!
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