Growing Old
Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
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Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
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Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
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Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their
diets.
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You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that
you once got from a roller coaster.
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Perhaps you know why women over fifty don't have babies: They would put
them down somewhere and forget where they left them.
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My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
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Every time I think about exercise, I lie down til the thought goes away.
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God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I
am so far behind, I will never die.
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It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask
you the questions.
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If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts.
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Stress reducer: Put a bag on your head. Mark it "Closed for remodeling."
**caution - leave air holes.
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I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
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There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full.
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The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right
place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
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The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
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The nice part of living in a small town is that when I don't know what I'm
doing, someone else does.
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The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your
body and your fat are really good friends.
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Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
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Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
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Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
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You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you
stop laughing.
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I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.
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I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and
setting my pantyhose on fire.
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WOMEN: Remember, as we get older we no longer have hot flashes. We
now have power surges.
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Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while, and it shrinks
two sizes.
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Age is important only if you're a cheese.
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Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
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Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can
usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
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Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
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