This is the 3rd part of a series that I am writing in an effort to express the significance that is contained in certain unusual or weird happenings that take place in our lives--not to make a mountain out of a mole-hill; on the contrary. I have discovered that within these occurances, there is a rich and significant amount of personal information to be found if we are willing to "see" and understand it. Many of the outstanding occurances that stay with me, to this day, all have to do with animals and birds. Almost as if there is connection to the marvelous, instinctive communication of these creatures.
Life is not always what you think it is..there are things that happen to people that makes one think: "Now, That is weird; I wonder why he/she is so accident prone" or "What a strange thing to happen to her--she always has these weird things happening around her". These incidences usually have a long lasting impact on the person they happen to; I have discovered that upon close examination and study, these are very important moments that can teach the subject, a life lesson.
So, whether it is a "Fall" as I wrote in my first installment, or a "squirrel" as appeared in my second story, the meanings I have gleaned from each incident have brought enrichment and re-inforcement to my life.
This particular incident happened during the holidays in New York City and Alan and I were invited to many parties; "Event of the Year" parties like the Costume Ball at the Metropolitan museum, or the special one that year at the New York Public Library, "Birds Of A Feather" ball.
Preparing for this party was eerily calming and as I dressed and helped Alan prepare as well, I felt like my life was about to take a turn. I could not get my feelings back for Alan and I was terrified! This incident happened during the most difficult time for me--I was having real second thoughts about my relationship and I had just gone through a terrible loss of one of my sisters.
One of my older sisters, Laura had been murdered by her husband, a retired Air force officer. The news of her death slammed me into reality--my life style and my life itself came to a halt as I tried to deal with the terrible news. I am one of a set of twins, the youngest in a family of 5 girls and 1 boy..this event left all of us, especially my Mother in a place we did not expect. To accept it was impossible and with the fact that he killed himself in the process, gave us no comfort.....
"BIRDS OF A FEATHER" BALL
I was wearing a long, white silk taffeta dress with a black beaded collar and epaulets on the shoulders and a black toque on my head. One long black feather swirled above my head in a dramatic sweep. "Birds Of A Feather" was the theme and I was set to take the floor of the ball in full regalia!
As I was preparing for the party, helping Alan fasten his tuxedo shirt and cuff links, and pulling myself together, I saw a flash of white out of the corner of my eye. Something on the windowsill, I guess. Then I saw it again and there it was: a small white bird with a shock of yellow feathers on it's head and 2 dark red circles on it's cheeks! It was facing me--peering into my eyes as if I should know who it was!!!
Now, our apartment was on the 34th floor (Duplex on the top floor) of the "Sliver Building" and there was no way a bird like that could fly up to our windowsill at 4:00 in the afternoon of a winters day! I freaked out, thinking it was someones pet---"call the doorman! See it they know if someones bird is missing!" I was telling Alan to take charge of it while I picked up the wall phone and pressed the doorman's buzzer....he answered and I breathlessly asked him if there was such a bird in the building--not to his knowledge, he said and hung up. I turned to Alan and he brushed past me impatiently and said "Hurry Up..we are going to be late!" and I stood there with a numbness creeping up my arms, my throat started to close up and I burst into tears and melted into a heap on the floor...at Alan's feet. "What do you think I'm trying to do---KILL YOU???" he demanded... and he stormed out the door.
In all my life, I never felt the sadness, fear, heartbreak and utter terror of that night when I first heard the news--at that moment and only for a moment, I began living the incident of my sisters death all over again. For some reason I could not get that bird out of my mind and even as it flew away to where, I don't know....I felt a surge of renewal--almost as if the angry encounter with Alan didn't happen. I finished dressing and grabbed my wrap and met Alan downstairs at the car.
Two weeks later, I was visiting my twin sister in New Hampshire. I had decided to go to Manchester to be with her and to tell her I had made up my mind to leave Alan. She was not too happy with my decision---"WHAT? what are you going to do? You don't even have a job?" I broke down and told her what had happened and she told me that I needed to get away from him--he was not good to me any more and I could move up there with her if I needed to--not such a good suggestion since she was married and her kids were in Junior High--not a good situation. So I decided to look at houses there...maybe I could buy a house with my savings and get a job there.
There were several houses that I wanted to go see...these were near my sisters home, not as good a neighborhood but it would do if I liked one of the houses. My sister went with me and we walked into one of the 2 story homes that was lived in by tenants...they had left so we could see the house. I stopped in the entry hall and was jarred by the gun collection I saw in the living room. Then as I walked quickly past it, I saw a glassed-in porch beyond and there in a cage sat a cockatoo on it's perch; the same coloring and the same rosy cheeks as the bird on the windowsill. I turned and walked outside..."you are not going to believe this!!!" I told Pam it was the same bird--I felt like I should not be in there..it was NOT the house for me. I very uncomfortably walked away from that house and decided that I did not need to run away to Manchester New Hampshire to be happy. My decision was fast and easy and Pam never questioned it either. I went back to New York and worked on my idea of moving to Southampton, New York, just 1.5 hours from the city.
Now I have had several other instances where this same kind of bird, a cockatoo would appear before me and I had the feeling I was being guided...then I remembered that Laura, my dear,sweet sister whom I adored and will never forget, was called "scatter-brain" as a tease by the rest of the family; she was always in a good mood, always playful, funny and a "kook" and was the most "alive" human being that I have ever known. So, "scatterbrain" was not too far afield from cockatoo" I thought to myself...and sure enough! Each time I saw this bird, my sister Laura would come to mind instantly..I would remember her caring for Pam and I when we were small. She would call us the "tag-a-long Twins" when we followed or tagged along behind her, and her friend Agnes. I had so many memories of Laura as my big sister and when I thought of what kind of a bird would Laura be if she were a bird?..Of course, a Cockatoo was the one!!!
As I mentioned in my other posts on the same or similar subject matter, I had spent several years in a private study of how symbols, being the language of the subconscious, according to Carl Jung and even Sigmund Freud, can be useful to an individual. With research, symbols are able to be evaluated and studied in order to understand certain things that I may never have been able to "see" except for the information pulled from analyzing these occurrences. Symbols represent the subconscious attempts to show us things. The way we live, react, act and not act are borne out of our internal, subconscious "pictures" in our minds that create the thoughts and things that then take place. Prodding from the world around us, from life, including wildlife, animal and bird life, come together, creating a tapestry for us to examine if we so choose. Symbolically, birds represent the bearer of the soul to the hereafter....birds are also symbolic messengers as in the ancient saying "a little bird told me".
So, whether all of this is true, or even if it is not, I have a very warm feeling as I tell the story--I feel the protective quality of my sister Laura, I see the jovial nature she had and I can even see the word "Cockatoo" as a word I might use to call to her as we all traipsed on down the road: Birds of a feather, sisters or Tag-a-Long Twins...it all means so much to me now.
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