Perhaps you read Miss Bad Manners post Sunday evening regarding
Highway Etiquette! Well equally important is driving in suburbia and that area comes with it's own special rules too!
- Stoplight colors are mere suggestions. Starting through an intersection AFTER the light has turned RED gives other drivers an opportunity to system test their brake system, expand their four letter word inventory AND increase undergarment sales! You're doing your part to stimulate the economy!
- Please DO use the cylindrical object on the left of the steering column! Use it to provide a FALSE indication of your intent! Imagine their surprise as they start to pull out when you go straight instead!
- Please jack rabbit start from each stop light and sprint to the next, then MASH your brake pedal as late as possible at the next light. Again, all the body mechanics appreciate the extra business you provide them after you get rear ended by someone who can't stop in time!
- When pulling out into traffic, do not wait until the long clear section behind the oncoming car! Instead, pull out at the first possible opportunity and SLOWLY accelerate. We don't want to waste gas, do we??
- When parking on the street, two general rules should be followed! 1)Park directly across from another car parked on opposite side of the street, narrowing the three lane subdivision road to a lane. Optimally, do this on a blind curve. 2)When a blind curve is not available, park directly across from your neighbor's driveway. They won't be expecting it, and perhaps they'll total your car and you can get rid of that Yugo (FINALLY!).
- When making a left turn, cut as far as possible into the oncoming side's left turn lane. Do this at high speed and GLARE at the individual in the left turn lane who had the nerve to pull up to the lane marker in hopes of triggering the left turn signal for their turn! How DARE they!!!
- When driving through a subdivision, do so as quickly as possible! Small children need to learn EARLY in life the Law of Gross Tonnage! Also, do NOT stop for individuals in cross walks. Bonus points if you can make them scamper to get out of your way!
- Do not establish position early when you know you will need to turn. The same rule as highway merging applies. Only the peons need to wait 5 to 10 minutes to make a turn, "special" people like yourself should be allowed to save time and advance straight to the head of the line.
Miss Bad Manners hopes this guide to suburban driving has been most helpful. Miss Bad Manners also requests that her students avoid running over small lizards because you may need to talk to your insurance rep after following her guide!
Regards with deepest sincerity for a Happy Monday ,
Miss Bad Manners
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